Category Archives: Relationships

Interracial Relationships – Are We Free To Choose Who We Love?

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America has taken some steps towards racial equality, some very small steps.  While it’s true that there no longer exist anti-miscegenation laws therefore allowing couples of different racial backgrounds to enjoy the same rights and privileges of any other couple, that issues against interracial relationships are now, more than ever, being contested, and that pro-interracial relationships have sparked and won numerous debates, there still lie several unanswered questions in everyone’s minds. Are interracial couples really free? Have they really broken through the chains of misconception and ridicule in their chosen relationships?

Maryland, Massachusetts, North Carolina, and South Carolina were among the first states to ban interracial marriages in the 1600′s. It was deemed necessary back then because of the confusion brought about by classifying a child of a black and a white couple as a slave or as a free person.

Legally referred to as Anti-Miscegenation Laws, constitutional provisions banning union in marriage of couples belonging to different races weren’t abolished until 1967.  That’s right America – 1967!  The controversial Loving vs. Virginia trials has much to play in this eventful happening.

Virginia residents Richard Loving, a white man, and Mildred Jeter, a black woman, in their desire to express their love through the sanctity of marriage went to Washington DC in 1958 to get married. Back then, Washington DC was one of the few states that did not put a ban on interracial marriages. When they went back home to Virginia, they were arrested with the charges of violating the state’s anti-miscegenation laws. They were convicted and served at least a year in prison. For almost a decade, Mr. and Mrs. Loving fought a legal battle against the very provisions that put them in prison. In 1967, the Supreme Court ruled that marriage, interracial or otherwise, resides solely in the decision of the individual. The ultimate result of this Court decision was the abolishment of all anti-miscegenation laws in the United States.

Although the United States completely and undeniably allows marriage between races, reservations and inhibitions against such remains. The ugly fact remains that a lot of people who felt that way in 1967 are still alive today. Some express that interracial marriages tolerates abandonment of one’s own racial background and identity. Some even go as far as calling these marriages as disregard to one’s family and culture. Furthermore, some concerns revolve more in the preservation of one’s race in that they see interracial marriage as a possibility to wipe out an entire race, while ignoring the scientific fact that a ‘pure’ race no longer exists.

In the arguments that interracial relationships recognizes and accepts unity in cultural and racial diversity and that color eventually loses its weight in romantic relationships and dating, we see the problem truly manifest itself.

Only when interracial relationships are so commonplace that there is no longer a need to write about it, when it has blended itself into usual dating practices, when when an interracial couple can be seen walking in the streets hand-in-hand and are no longer an interracial couple but simply a couple, can we truly say that we have abolished all barriers and reservations to this dating practice.

Why Black Men and Women Fail at Dating Each Other

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This is a topic that I believe this to be both very serious has been completely misrepresented. The relationship of African-American males and females, both successful and unsuccessful in no way should be taken lightly. It is said that the strength of a nation is reflected by the family structure, if that is true then we as a nation are frail.

While researching this topic a few days ago, I came across some rather disturbing statistics reported by the National Center of Health Statistics. It was stated that in the year 2010 the amount of babies born to African-Americans out of wedlock grew to 76%. This is DEVASTATING!!! Some might ask why this is devastating considering that the modern consideration of an acceptable family structure has become that of a single parent household. Biblically speaking, it is stated that, “Every kingdom divided against itself is brought to desolation; and every city or house divided against itself shall not stand” (Matthew 12:25). We as a people have been divided since our arrival to the colony of Jamestown, Virginia some 395 years ago.

Let’s look at the destruction of the black family from a historical viewpoint. The problems successful/unsuccessful African-American women and men have in relationships are far deeper than what is displayed on the surface. On the surface we would contribute our atrocities to the very presence of the fatherless homes, the misogynist lyrics found in much of our music, the physical/verbal/sexual abuse that is displayed in many of these relationships, high infidelity rate and so on and so forth.

On the contrary the problems that are plaguing African-American relationships are much deeper. The current state of the average African-American relationship has been carefully planned and designed some 300 years ago. On the 25th day of December, 1712 the famous slave-owner Willie Lynch delivered both a speech and a plan that would cause havoc and chaos within the relationships of black men and women for at least 300 years if implemented correctly for at least one year.

The very detrimental teachings of Willie Lynch (as laid out in the Willie Lynch Letter and The Making of a Slave) equipped slave-owners with various methods to change the natural order of both the Black male and female. The most important part of his teaching was how to destroy the image of the Black Man. This still seems to be our greatest problem today as neither the Black male nor the Black female has an idea of who the Black Male really is. The image of the black male was intentionally destroyed so that the black family would end up in everlasting ruin.

By nature the male is suppose to protect, provide and give direction. Through the dehumanization of the black male and the destruction of the black male image the black woman and child have gone unprotected, not provided for (by the black male) and left without direction. Understanding that the man’s primary role is to protect, so often our young black women are drawn to a false sense of protection and tends to gravitates towards a more destructive image of the black male. This image is what we are so often bombarded with through the mainstream media. An image of violence and aggression along with an attitude of apathy is frequently transferred from our television screens and through the speakers of our radios to our young black males across America.

This is played out to our youth that are searching for identity and acceptance and to our young black females who are in search of their male counterparts. Through the distortion of the Black Male image a great sense of falsehood has infiltrated our communities. Although there is much speculation to the authenticity of the document, the fact remains that it was written by someone and which I believe accurately portrays a mindset that ran prevalent then and still runs prevalent in our society today.

It is not enough to address the destruction of the black male without looking at the reverse nature of the black female. Through Willie Lynch’s teachings, and the teachings of many other slave-owners, the black woman had to be converted from her natural state as well. Through the torture and torment that the black male had to suffer while getting their image destroyed, Black women and children had to watch in shame and fear. In doing this it was taught that Black women would, in her unnatural state convert over to a psychological frozen state in which the Black woman would become independent of the Black man.

The most important thing regarding the conversion of the Black woman was the control that the slave masters would possess over her in bringing up her offspring. The Black woman through fear was taught to bring up her children in reversal roles teaching the male child to be dependent, mentally weak and physically strong and teaching the female child to be independent like her in her psychological frozen state. Therefore you now have a complete role-reversal which has undermined the Black family unit ever since.

Marriage is a very important institution and it is a necessary part in sustaining a nation or a people. In order for African-American men or women (successful or unsuccessful) to have a successful healthy relationship we must first convert back to our natural God-given roles. The Black man has to be seen by the Black woman as the provider and the protector and the Black woman must be regarded as the most valuable asset to the Black Man. In converting back to our natural roles that God had intended both the Black male and female will be able to provide healthy attributes to the relationship and in turn instill solid values into their children.

So you ask why is it hard for a successful African-American woman to find a man. While there are so many surface answers we can point out we must take a look at this problem through a sharper lens. In order to create a people that can dwell together with one another in harmony we must redirect our teachings to our youth by putting a greater emphasis on marriage, parenting and community. We must teach our boys and girls their God-given roles at a young age. We must teach our boys how to become creative thinkers and how to solve problems without the use of violence. We must teach them how to become mentally strong for it far outweighs being physically strong. We must teach them to how to be independent and how to be gentlemen starting at a young age. We must teach our girls how to choose a strong man with great values. We must teach them how to be independent out of wedlock and the value of being dependent in wedlock (dependent simply means to rely on another for support). In doing so, we will raise a generation of young African-Americans that will truly value marriage, family and self.

If you are experiencing trouble in your relationship, you owe it to yourself to read this:

50 Perplexing Facts Every Man Needs To Know About Women

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Learning these facts will help close the gap on men and women getting along:

1. Women love to shop

It is the one area of the world where they feel like they’re actually in control.

2. Women especially love a bargain

The question of “need” is irrelevant, so don’t bother pointing it out. Please note that anything on sale is fair game.

3. Women never have anything to wear

Guys, do yourself a favor and don’t question the racks of clothes in the closet; you “just don’t understand”.

4. Women need to cry

And they won’t do it alone unless they know you can hear them.

5. Women only ask guys questions with no right answers

This is by design, done in an effort to trap you into feeling guilty.

6. Women love to talk

Silence intimidates them so they are compelled to fill that silence, even if they have nothing to say.

7. Women have a compulsive need to feel like there are people worse off than they are

That’s why soap operas and Oprah Winfrey-type shows are so successful.

8. Women don’t need sex as often as men do

News flash guys:  Sex is used by men to fulfill physical needs and used by women to fulfill emotional needs.  Just knowing that the man wants to have sex with them fulfills the emotional need.

9. Women hate bugs

Even the strong-willed ones need a man around when there’s a spider or a wasp involved.

10. Women can’t keep secrets

Secrets are like flesh eating bacteria to women. They eat away at them from the inside. And they don’t view it as being untrustworthy, providing they only tell two or three people.

11. Women always go to public restrooms in groups

It gives them a chance to gossip.

12. Women can’t refuse to answer a ringing phone

No matter what she’s doing. It might be the lottery calling.

13. Women never understand why men love toys

Men understand that they wouldn’t need toys if women had an “on/off” switch.

14. Women think all beer is the same

Seriously?

15. Women keep three different shampoos and two different conditioners in the shower

After a woman showers, the bathroom will smell like a tropical rain forest.

16. Women don’t understand the appeal of sports

Men seek entertainment that allows them to escape reality. Women seek entertainment that reminds them of how horrible things could be (Damn you Tyler Perry).

17. If a man goes on a seven-day trip, he’ll pack five days worth of clothes and will wear some things twice; if a woman goes on a seven-day trip she’ll pack 21 outfits because she doesn’t know what she’ll feel like wearing each day.

18. Women brush their hair before bed.

19. Watch a woman eat an ice cream cone and you’ll have a pretty good idea about how she’ll be in bed

At least you can have fun imagining anyway.

20. Women are paid less than men

With one exception – Modeling.

21. Women are never wrong

Apologizing is the man’s responsibility.

22. Women do not know anything about cars

Swear to God when I tried to show my wife where the oil stick was, she calmly replied that oil doesn’t stick.

23. Women have better restrooms

They get the nice chairs and red carpet. Men just get a large bowl to share.

24. The average number of items in a typical woman’s bathroom is 437

A man would not be able to identify most of these items.

25. Women love cats

Men say they love cats, but when women aren’t looking, men kick cats.

26. Women love to talk on the phone

A woman can visit her girlfriend for two weeks, and upon returning home, she will call the same friend and they will talk for three hours.

27. A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, or get the mail.

28. Women will drive miles out of their way to avoid the possibility of getting lost using a shortcut.

29. Women don’t try as hard as men during sex; after all, they don’t fall asleep afterwards.

30. Women do NOT want an honest answer to the question, ‘How do I look?’

31. PMS stands for: Permissible Man-Slaughter

Other meanings can include Preposterous Mood Swings and Punish My Spouse.

32. The first naked man a women sees in her life is named”Ken”.

33. Women are insecure about their weight, butt, and breast sizes.

34. Women will make three right-hand turns to avoid making one left-hand turn.

35. “Oh, nothing,” has an entirely different meaning in woman-language than it does in man-language.

36. Lewis Carroll’s Caterpillar had nothing on women.

37. Women cannot use a map without turning the map to correspond to the direction that they are heading.

38. All women are overweight by definition

Don’t agree with them about it. Women always have 5 pounds to lose, but don’t bring this up unless they really have 5 pounds to gain.

39. If it is not Valentines day and you see a man in a flower shop, you can probably start up a conversation by asking, “What did you do?”

40. Only women understand the reason for “guest towels” and the “good china”

41. Women want equal rights, but you rarely hear them clamoring to be let into the draft to cover the responsibilities that go with those rights. All women seek equality with men until it comes to sharing the closet, taking out the trash, and picking up the check.

42. Origin of the word “woman” is: woo-man

43. If a man ticks off a woman she will often respond by getting a fuzzy toilet cover which warms their rear, but makes it impossible for the lid to stay up thus it constantly gets peed on by the guys. (which gets them in more trouble)

44. All women refuse to check and see if the toilet seat is lowered.

They seem to prefer taking a flying butt leap towards the bowl and then chewing men out because they “left the seat up” instead of taking two seconds and lowering it themselves.

45. Women can get out of speeding tickets by pouting

Every guy knows this will get them arrested.

46. If a woman tells you that they are attracted to guys with a sense of humor, they’re lying

Guys, when was the last time you saw a woman trampling over Tom Cruise to get to Gilbert Gottfried?

47. Women fake orgasm

Because men fake foreplay.

48. It’s okay for women to dance with each other and not be gay

You will NEVER see straight men dancing together.

49. Women will spend hours dressing up to go out, and then they’ll go out and spend more time checking out other women

Men can never catch women checking out other men; women will always catch men checking out other women.

50. The most embarrassing thing for women is to find another woman wearing the same dress at a formal party

You don’t hear men say, “Oh-my-GOD, there’s another man wearing a black tux, get me outta here!”

Women Who Endure Abusive Relationships

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I live in an apartment complex and for the most part I have some pretty great neighbors.

In particular, there is a young black couple that lives directly above me. We speak on a daily basis and we take turns cooking on the grill for each other when the weather is nice.  We are all great friends and they have been together for 16 years and from the outside, they seemed to be very much in love.

So it came as a complete shock last night when I saw the police swarm the building looking for the male.  It turns out that he beat her up, leaving her unconscious and with a broken nose.  Even more shocking was the revelation that he has been doing this for years.

As much as I would like to believe all of her ranting about how she is sick of it and enough is enough, I am afraid that he will be back in the home. At the time of this writing, she is already back to regular conversations with him on the phone.

The Black Man has always been stigmatized with the image of being a poor father figure, incapable of being a productive member of society and an abuser of women.  The Sixties and Seventies helped to glamorize this horror with the ‘Blaxploitation’ film era and authors such as Iceberg Slim and Donald Goines. And with the continued degradation of women in the hip-hop culture, it almost seems expected for men to ‘keep their bitches in check.’

Suffering from an abusive relationship is disastrous, more than that, suffering an abusive behavior from the loving man who you are in a romantic relationship with, is twice as disastrous for any woman. My Brothers, let me tell you something:  I don’t give a damn what your circumstances are, there is no woman who deserves being abused and who should be enduring this for any purpose.

Any man that ever hits a woman is not man enough, because real men do not show off their strength on women. They divert their energy to some other more challenging events and persons. Being a man is not all about having some stuff dangling between your legs, even goats have that! Being a real man is all about being able to take control, not of other people’s life, but control of your emotions and your entire life in general.  Hitting a woman shows out of control a man really is.

Men hitting women is always connected to jealousy and over-possessiveness.  Rule number one gentlemen:  Women are not things, and as such, they are not your property.  If as a man, you cannot stand your woman talking to another man or having friends that are male, then YOU have a problem with insecurity and need some professional help. You need to learn to believe in and love yourself. Nothing burns me more than seeing a woman that is not allowed to do so much as exchange greetings with another man because she is with her man, not being able to talk to a man or about men, or each time a woman gets a call and there is a male voice at the other end, their boyfriends or significant others become consumed with jealousy and rage.

Men the reason you get bent out of shape is because, if the situation were reversed, you would be guilty of cheating. Then you have the nerve to try and project that guilt on a woman.  Get a grip and get some help.

Needless to say, this is a painful dilemma.  With women, there is an absolute necessity for withdrawing from the vicious relationship for the benefit of your own self. For men, there is a responsibility, for the sake of respect to the loved one (she is, after all, someone’s mother, sister, niece, daughter), for that relationship, for that love you have a hope to restore.

So whenever there is a question of withdrawing from a relationship that is abusive, it is inevitable that doubt will creep in.  You will wonder if it’s the best decision and what can be done to save yourself and the relationship.

Women, there is life outside of an abusive relationship.  While I realize that there has been years of mental abuse and you may not have the self-esteem to actually leave, you owe to yourself and  your children, if any, to find a real man, and not deprive yourself of the man you deserve to have.

First thing is you should take it for granted that you deserve to be loved and live the life with someone who can be gentle and romantic with you. Your actions, if you are willing to repair the situation, should always be weighed against this basic statement. It is pretty hard to maintain as your self esteem may deteriorate immensely, being affected by the abusing person trying to persuade you of the opposite value – that you don’t deserve the wellness and love that you are hoping for. If you are ever left with this feeling, regardless of violence, GET OUT!

Women, should you gain the courage to leave, you need someone who can be that savior for you to put your faith upon – probably your friends and family. It is those people who can offer protection and consolation to your damaged soul. They can give you the strength you need when you can’t find it in yourself.

Please, My Sisters, once you leave, never go back. Enough said on that.

Relationships should be totally built on trust, integrity, love, and mutual respect. Violence is about control. If what you need is a person’s life to control, then you are not ready for a relationship.

Interracial Relationships & Children

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Although we live in a diverse, multi-racial, multi ethnic society, we know in reality that separatism, bigotry, and racism still exist to this day.

It seems the only thing that changes is the form in which it manifests itself.

While we as Black people would like to believe we are ‘Equal Opportunity’ I’ve found that, depending on who you talk to ‘in da hood’…there is a surprising large number of Blacks who are just as bigoted as Whites when it comes to interracial relationships.

I was presented with the following question and I am passing it on to you as a kind of litmus test to see where you truly stand on the issue of interracial dating:

My ninth grade daughter has become interested in a boy of a different race. This type of thing could potentially tear my extended family apart. At her young age (she is 14), I’m not sure she is mature enough to understand the implications of such a relationship. Can you give me some advice?


Before you fly off the handle with your answer, put yourself in the parent’s role and allow me to interject a few thoughts:

At 14, the daughter may not be extremely mature about relationships in general. However, it is not maturity that is at question here, but prejudice. Every generation has its own discriminations. Your child’s peer group may or may not carry the level of intolerance that exists within your extended family, or even your immediate community.

Regardless, teenagers will challenge family belief systems when hypocrisies arise. This is the nature of adolescence. And as a parent, you may find that your own values come into question, too.

This situation presents an opportunity for pain and for growth, whether or not the child ever dates this young man. Discussions about the topic of interracial marriage may likely be something that comes up in school as well as at home. Having these discourses, rather than avoiding them, will help ease the tension people feel. Ignoring the issue will not make it go away. Talking about it provides an avenue for realistic anticipation of what the child will face in the family. A discussion about her interest will likely present the opportunity to express people’s fears about family bias against interracial dating.

Family researchers describe the period of raising teenagers as a “transformation” in the family system. As teens develop their own values, glitches in the moral fabric of our lives as parents are accented. The thrust of the adolescent’s quest for truth and identity pressures us and sometimes threatens our comfortable equilibrium, but gives us a chance to reflect.

If this young man returns her interest, and if some level of friendship or dating develops, parents are faced with two choices: to support the child or remain loyal to their family’s interracial dating bias.

So, if this were you, which would it be?

Think deeply about this dilemma, as it is nothing short of soul-searching.