Although we live in a diverse, multi-racial, multi ethnic society, we know in reality that separatism, bigotry, and racism still exist to this day.

It seems the only thing that changes is the form in which it manifests itself.

While we as Black people would like to believe we are ‘Equal Opportunity’ I’ve found that, depending on who you talk to ‘in da hood’…there is a surprising large number of Blacks who are just as bigoted as Whites when it comes to interracial relationships.

I was presented with the following question and I am passing it on to you as a kind of litmus test to see where you truly stand on the issue of interracial dating:

My ninth grade daughter has become interested in a boy of a different race. This type of thing could potentially tear my extended family apart. At her young age (she is 14), I’m not sure she is mature enough to understand the implications of such a relationship. Can you give me some advice?

Before you fly off the handle with your answer, put yourself in the parent’s role and allow me to interject a few thoughts:

At 14, the daughter may not be extremely mature about relationships in general. However, it is not maturity that is at question here, but prejudice. Every generation has its own discriminations. Your child’s peer group may or may not carry the level of intolerance that exists within your extended family, or even your immediate community.

Regardless, teenagers will challenge family belief systems when hypocrisies arise. This is the nature of adolescence. And as a parent, you may find that your own values come into question, too.

This situation presents an opportunity for pain and for growth, whether or not the child ever dates this young man. Discussions about the topic of interracial marriage may likely be something that comes up in school as well as at home. Having these discourses, rather than avoiding them, will help ease the tension people feel. Ignoring the issue will not make it go away. Talking about it provides an avenue for realistic anticipation of what the child will face in the family. A discussion about her interest will likely present the opportunity to express people’s fears about family bias against interracial dating.

Family researchers describe the period of raising teenagers as a “transformation” in the family system. As teens develop their own values, glitches in the moral fabric of our lives as parents are accented. The thrust of the adolescent’s quest for truth and identity pressures us and sometimes threatens our comfortable equilibrium, but gives us a chance to reflect.

If this young man returns her interest, and if some level of friendship or dating develops, parents are faced with two choices: to support the child or remain loyal to their family’s interracial dating bias.

So, if this were you, which would it be?

Think deeply about this dilemma, as it is nothing short of soul-searching.

“Black women will never be happy with Black men. Black women would find fault or a reason to complain and whine because she has been convinced that no matter what the Black man does, good or bad, he will never measure up to her real idol, the White man. The White man did a wonderful job confusing black women about what ‘a man’ is.

I read this on a forum that talked about ‘relationship’ issues amongst Black people. This was written a Black man who felt that when a Black woman becomes successful, they no longer have a desire to build a future with a Black man because they won’t measure up to the standards that White men have when it comes to success, beliefs, family values, etc. So they decide to pursue White men exclusively.

Wow!

To say I was shocked was an understatement. Surely this can’t be true.

Imagine my surprise when I found out that this man was not alone in his sentiments. When I questioned, polled, and researched this, I found that a large number of Black men feel this same way. Even more, I found this to be THE VERY REASON Black men choose to date outside of their race.

Further, this is reciprocated in kind. Black women feel that Black men will never be happy with Black women because White women have confused Black men as to what an ideal woman is. They point to the vast amount of Black celebrity musicians and athletes who are seen in public with their new-found soul mates – White women – and firmly believe that these same ‘role models’ would not have been approached with the prospect of, nor would have considered  an interracial relationship were it not for their celebrity status.

On the surface, this is a non-issue. Every person deserves happiness … every person also deserves to be in a loving and fulfilling relationship. Any person that’s in a relationship with someone who doesn’t treat them way they deserve to be treated is well within their rights to complain and do something about it.

It’s the underlying ramifications that I have an issue with. When people attempt to find someone who fulfills those needs, and they happened to be of the opposite race, why are they perceived as bitter with racist or bigoted viewpoints?

I have found that statements like the one above do NOT come from a people’s personal experience, but rather the peanut gallery that observes an interracial relationship. I mention this because what others think and feel plays a big factor in deciding on whether a person should pursue a relationship with someone of a different racial background.

So first I would say that people need to mind their own business – do you know where your significant other is right now? That should keep you busy enough for awhile.

Second, and this is to my People specifically, how are you going to spend all these years seeking fairness and equality, then start letting color and race become factors in who you or your children date? The world may not be changing according to your liking, but it IS changing. This means that your kids and The Man’s kids are not looking at race. Racism has ALWAYS been a mindset – which means that it was taught from generation to generation. So if The Man is making an attempt to drop race separation and from the values they teach to their kids, why would you pick it back up?

Let me close with this. After researching several dating sites and forums, I compiled a list of what Black, White, men and women were looking for in a significant other:

My perfect match is someone who is encouraging, friendly and genuine. They are ready for a monogamous relationship. They respect themselves & life.

They are a peacemaker. They want to make sure that the people around them are well taken care of and appreciated. They are very interested in how I’m feeling.

They are in tune with their emotions, seeking balance in their life and feel happiest when things around them are calm.

They lead with their heart and head – so my ability to be well-grounded and level-headed will make us the perfect team.

They will always accept me for who I am, never demanding more and will love me passionately and fully.

They are not whores. They are not on the internet seeking sex and collecting people for explicit pornographic pictures.

They are not liars – thinking that promising me the world will have me wrapped around their finger.

If this sounds like your ideal person then you tell me, are they Black or White?